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“I Was Just Listening”: When Presence Gets Misread as Psychoanalysis
The other day, I was sitting with two people I really love and respect. Two smart, thoughtful leaders I have a lot of time for. They were in the middle of a rich, honest conversation. And I wasn’t leading, facilitating, or analysing.
I didn’t have my work hat on at all.
I was just… listening
Then came the comment, sort of half joking, half not:
“Look at Susan, psychoanalysing everything we’re saying!”
I froze for a second.
Not outwardly, but inwardly, I felt it.
Because I wasn’t psychoanalysing. I wasn’t trying to “read between the lines” or find the insight behind the words.
I was genuinely enjoying listening to two brilliant humans exchange ideas.
But it got me thinking…
Why is it that deep listening, like genuine presence is sometimes read as analysis?
Why is paying attention seen as prying?
Why does curiosity get mistaken for judgement?
Maybe it’s because many people aren’t used to someone being fully present with them. Listening without distraction, agenda, or interruption. When someone listens that deeply, it can feel like a mirror is being held up... and that can be confronting to us.
Especially when you’re used to being the one in control of the narrative.
Here’s what I’ve come to realise:
- Emotional intelligence isn’t always about “doing.” Sometimes it’s simply about being. Being curious, being open, being tuned in.
- Not every moment is a workshop or a coaching session. Not every silence needs interpreting. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can offer others is attention without intention.
- Being misunderstood is part of the deal. If you’re someone who notices nuance and listens deeply, you might occasionally make others uncomfortable. Not because of what you say, but because of what you see.
And that’s okay.
Because the truth is, presence is powerful. And if it makes someone feel seen in a way they’re not quite ready for. That’s not a flaw in you, it’s a moment of growth for them.
To the leaders, coaches, and EQ-driven humans reading this:
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too intense,” “always analysing,” or “a bit much,”
Just know this:
- You don’t need to shrink to make others comfortable.
- Your presence is the gift, even if not everyone can unwrap it…yet.
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P.S. Could this kind of reaction come from analytical personalities? Absolutely.
People who lead with logic and structure often prefer clarity, certainty, and tangibility. Emotional presence, especially the kind that notices nuance, can feel unfamiliar or even confronting.
When someone’s used to processing the world through facts and frameworks, they might interpret deep listening as psychoanalysis. Not because it is, but because they don’t have the same emotional reference points.
It’s not wrong. It’s just different wiring.
Emotional intelligence means recognising that… and choosing to respond with grace, not defensiveness.
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