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“I’ve Told Them… Haven’t I?”
Just because you’ve said it, doesn’t mean they’ve heard it. Clear, courageous conversations are the key to performance shifts, not crossed fingers.
When Feedback Fails to Land
Lately in coaching, I’ve been asking leaders one deceptively simple question:
“Have you told them they’re not performing?”
And I keep hearing two confronting, but honest, answers:
- “No… I’ve been avoiding it.”
- “Yes, I’ve told them clearly, but they still don’t get it.”
Both are major red flags.
One is avoidance.
The other? A communication gap masquerading as clarity.
If they haven’t changed, they probably didn’t understand.
If they’re still surprised, you probably weren’t clear.
So, What’s Really Going On?
Many leaders think they’ve communicated.
But what they’ve actually done is:
- Hint
- Soften
- Dance around it
- Drop it in as a passing comment at the end of a meeting
But if there’s no change, the message didn’t land.
And that’s not just a they didn’t get it issue.
It’s a you didn’t communicate it clearly enough issue.
Two Painful (and Common) Patterns I See:
1. Feedback Avoidance
You know they’re underperforming, but say nothing.
It’s uncomfortable. You’re busy. You “don’t want to upset them.”
- Result: The problem festers. Trust erodes. Resentment grows.
2. False Clarity
You think you’ve said it. But if we unpack it, you’ve either:
- Hinted
- Generalised
- Made it vague to “soften the blow”
The Fix: How to Make Feedback Land
It’s not just about saying the thing.
It’s about making sure it lands.
Here’s how to shift from vague to valuable:
1. Be Specific
❌ “You’re not meeting expectations.”
✅ “You’ve missed four deadlines in the past month.”
2. Check for Understanding
Ask: “Can you reflect back what you’re hearing from me?”
One sentence. Huge insight. You’ll spot misunderstanding immediately.
3. Follow Up
One conversation isn’t a fix.
You’ve got to revisit it, reinforce it, and support them through the change.
Final Thought: EQ + Clarity = Real Change
- Emotional intelligence helps you manage the discomfort.
- Clarity ensures the message lands.
- Courage keeps you coming back when it gets awkward.
So next time you find yourself thinking:
“But I’ve told them…”
Ask yourself:
“Have I actually been clear? Or just hopeful?”
Want Help Untangling These Conversations?
Whether you’re navigating tough feedback, team underperformance, or just want to sharpen your communication game - that’s kind of my thing, and I would love to help you out.
📞 Book a discovery call if you’d like support on this
💬 Want to talk it through? My coaching programme is designed exactly for this kind of leadership challenge
